Serious Reservations: A Guide To The Dangers of Fine Dining
by Lauren Liebowitz and Brad Schreiber
A humorous etiquette book for both diners and employees involved in the upscale dining experience, including parking, ordering, eating, paying, masking involuntary body noises and much more!
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About the Book
man and woman didn't have it so rough when it came to fine dining.
They just caught, killed and cooked. Today, on the other hand, dining
out involves proper dress, valet parking, proper pronunciation of
foreign words and many other unique problems that people with spears
never had to deal with.
SERIOUS RESERVATIONS teaches us all how to cope with
the endless etiquette of fancy-schmansy restaurants.
And, at the same time, SERIOUS RESERVATIONS gives ammunition
to those who work in restaurants everywhere, who are forced to endure
disgusting habits, mindless questions and ugly comments from less
than enlightened diners.
SERIOUS RESERVATIONS will guide you through every aspect
of the fine dining experience without giving you severe abdominal
cramps. It has been assembled by a comedian who has been a hostess
at a four star, Beverly Hills restaurant and a comedy writer who once
had to dress up in an 1890's outfit and beat a bass drum with a knife
in an ice cream parlor.
In other words, we're experts.
CHAPTER 1: ARRIVING
"Why Are We Eating Here?"
Judging By Appearances
Dress For Excess
When To Ignore People You Know
CHAPTER 2: RESERVATIONS
Locating And Confronting Your Host/Hostess
Excuses For Not Having Reservations
Using Other Names
CHAPTER 3: SEATING
Taking Control Of Someone Else's Table
Deciding Where To Sit Without Permission
Steering The Host/Hostess
Examining Your Table And Chairs For Faults
Gaining Status Based On Where You Sit
CHAPTER 4: ORDERING
Getting Your Server's Attention
Questions To Never Ask A Server
Dealing With Servers Who Cannot Be Understood
"How Many Times Can I Change My Mind?"
When To Ask, "Is It Any Good?"
CHAPTER 5: WAITING
Asking Other Employees How Long It Will Take
What To Do If You'Re Really Hungry And Don'T Embarass Easily
How To Impress Others By Being Impatient And Upset
How To Get Even With Servers Who Ignore You
How To Calm Others Who Are Sick Of Waiting
CHAPTER 6: EATING/TABLE ETIQUETTE
How To Politely Eat When Others Are Waiting For Their Food
Using Unfamiliar Utensils
When To Pass/Not Pass Things To People
Disgusting Habits Of Which People Must Be Made Aware
Making Others Self-Conscious While Eating For Your Own Gain
CHAPTER 7: DIGESTING
Covering Embarassing Sounds Your Body Makes
Things To Not Talk About While/After Eating
Things To Not Do With Your Mouth Immediately After Eating
If You Start To Feel Sick...
Trading Ideas On Stomach Problems
CHAPTER 8: PAYING
Getting Your Server To Lower The Amount Of Your Bill
Double-Checking Without Seeming Like A Cheapskate
How To Offer To Pay Without Getting Stuck Paying
What To Do If You Are Paying And Don'T Have Enough Money
Using Math Quickly, Decptively And In Your Favor
On Leaving Small Tips And Abusive Notes
CHAPTER 9: LEAVING
You Know It's Time To Leave When...
Refusing To Leave To Punish A Server/Restaurant
Things To Not Say Aloud While Leaving
Avoiding People You Did/Did Not Notice Earlier
Humiliation And Valet Parking
CHAPTER 10: RECOMMENDING
When To Lie About A Restaurant You Actually Hated
When To Lie About A Restaurant You Actually Loved
Who To Complain To And When
"My Way" Or The Highway
|About the Author
LAUREN LIEBOWITZ is a writer-comedian who has performed in Southern California at The Comedy Store, The Improv and The Ice House. BRAD SCHREIBER is an author, screenwriter, journalist, teacher and Vice President of Storytech Literary Consulting.